Sunday, December 30, 2007

faith

it's so ironic that my resurgence in faith and devotion stemmed almost solely from spending time with Christians

but isn't that the beauty of it all

we are all connected, according to God's plan, however you spell or pronounce the Lord's name

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

tributes

maybe i should have written this long ago, but the day after christmas is as good a day as any i guess. and it kind of came to mind again after receiving a similar letter from someone else today

these two years in IB have been rather eventful, and most certainly memorable, and it's quite saddening to know that less than 2 weeks from now it'll all be over, once we get our results. some may dwell on past times, that represent so much in the way that we are now. some may just move on and never look back, confident that everything they've been through will help them in the future. some may do neither, choosing to live in the present, for each day as it comes. but we're all bound by the fact that we were the first. ever.

Mark Chua, Justin Chia, and the rest of 5.4/6.4:
i came into this class extremely apprehensively, because i was 'brought up' in a rather anti-GEP environment, so to be put into a class where the majority are of GEP origin, i expected it to be hell. instead it proved to be a wonderful experience, with friendships forged and lessons learned, and the motivation from being in a class where everyone is either brilliant or hardworking, mostly the former. and most of all i'll remember the two jokers who sat next to me, those two whose names are mentioned in bold up there. i owe them much thanks, for tolerating my bullshit for two years, for never giving up on me, for always being there be examples to push me onwards, and for always reminding me of my dearest follies =)

Yuengi, Aaron, and all the Venture Scouts:
if ever there were people that i would trust would remember me years from now, it would be this bunch of people. six years together, going through hell and back several times over, and having the time of our lives watching the world cup in malaysia, has definitely brought us together in ways few other groups of people can achieve. thanks for being a constant source of company these past two years, and damn our good times never lasted long enough. even the problems that we had in making the gangshow were not enough to break anything that had already been forged in the years preceding IB. times have changed and times will change, we may go our separate ways, but should ever i face any trials or tribulations, it would be this lot that i'd want beside me, more than any other people i know.

Slow, Lui and the gang from 3.16/4.16:
the signs were there in years 3 and 4 that this class was more tightly bound than any other in the level, and thus far it has survived the test of time more so than any other i know of, and i am forever grateful to have had the privilege of being in this class, that i'd never ever swap this class for any other. we've also had our good times and bad times, but our strength is that we've gone through all of it together, as a class, never backing down, and without abandoning any single member. we survived those two years of strife, and some of us have gone on to truly thrive in IB (congratulations Alastair), and when we meet for dinner tomorrow night i hope with all my heart that it won't be the last time we meet. i found myself in this class, and i wouldn't have it any other way.

Oliver Tan, Joshua Loke, Amelia Leo and the ACS Philharmonic Orchestra:
first of all i'd like to say that of all the trips i've made with schoolmates and such, the trip to the UK ranks in the top 3 i've ever been on, with the OEP to Bintan and the Jamboree in Scotland in that group. i just can't decide how to rank them. again i've been there with them for 6 whole years (though for some it was only 2 years, but those were enough). again we've been through all the bad times of dealing with certain obstinate members of the upper echelons, as well as having to deal with the annoyances of certain other members, but all in all i've had a great time being part of this orchestra, and helping it grow from a mere school orchestra into one of much higher standards. people like Oli and Losh are people i can have a certain degree of trust in, and when all the world seemed irrational and stupid, there was always the shining light that is Ame, always with a sensible mind to help keep us sane. thank you all =)

Bintan OEP:
i expected this to be a blast, and i was not disappointed. i still remember the generous portions of Indo Mee on some of the mornings, as well as the Indonesian Ronaldinho known only as Dannyho. this was at a time when we were still getting to know each other, in the early months of IB, and the friends i made on this trip would serve me well in the times to follow. not only that, the memories that i took away from there would always be the small spark of light that gave me hope when it seemed in short supply, and i can honestly say i would do almost anything for a chance to go back on that trip, with same people (except maybe minus some of the teachers). i want another chance at that rock wall!

The 'A' Division Hockey team:
granted i came into this team about four years late, but it is a testament to the strength of the bonds between the team, that when i came in, they made me feel right at home, and i apologise here and now for any time that i did not give me all in the game or in training. i loved the sport, and our heroic run to the finals in our debut season will always stay in my mind as what kept me going in that disgustingly dreary period of the year. (okay it may not be so epic, but i like to think of it that way =)). and i could never have asked for a better team to be in, even when we lost in the finals and i let my anguish show itself a bit too clearly. this is a team worth being proud of, and with all due respect to our opponents that day, i say their team sucked and i say our team is the best around. so what if it's a small squad. it's enough. small enough that everyone knows each other intimately, and yet still big enough that we always had a strong team out no matter what. thank you for your patience with me as i learned the sport, as i screwed up so much in comparison to everyone else, and thank you for always having faith in me. i can only hope that i repaid that faith with my work on the pitch, and i say here and now i've never felt at more at home than when i'm on the turf, be it hockey or football

The First IB Batch of ACS (I), Class of '06/'07:
this is just the culmination of everything that has happened over the past two years, and despite early fears of things like male:female ratio and the small size of the cohort, i think such features are what make us unique, and make the IB experience all the more enjoyable. by keeping the ratio rather awkward, it allows us guys to still retain much of the liberties that we had during the prior 4 years. it is also a testament to the stupidity of intact classes, that in the three weeks of study break just before exams i made more friends than in the three months before that. and though many of you may not remember me, i will make sure that time will never erode the memories of people and events that have redefined pre-university education. thank you to everyone i know, whom i've not mentioned earlier, people like Kailun, Orion, Sze, Cheryl Sim, and of course our beloved breakfast club that is there without fail every single school-day morning. This was a great batch, and i thank God that i had the chance to be in this batch. despite all my efforts, there were still many people i did not know come end of the year, but i hope i do justice to those i know, and remember them for as long as i can remember my time in IB. These were good years, and i would love to relive them, if just for the small conversations that kept me alive and sane (or drove me mad and killed me haha). it's all the smallest things that matter, and truly i am grateful.

this probably will seem very superficial and repetitive to anyone reading this, but i hope i have paid a proper tribute to everything that was close to my heart during IB. it will probably never be enough. though there is one left that may be the most meaningless of all, but means the most to me. i know you'll never read this, but i'm typing this out for you...

you, who i've known only for a short while, but it could have been for all eternity, so long ago it seemed since i started studying there. you, whose brilliant mind was always a source of motivation in that final lap to the end of IB, and whose unending quirks would be a source of laughter and joy amidst the dreariness of mugging. you whose ability to sit still and study for hours on end rubbed off on me, a skill i've never been able to pick up in 12 years of studying. you whose mere presence made the world seem such a wonderful place, and when i was alone with you i never wanted that time to end. you who talked so little after exams ended, it ticked me off and left me wondering so much, and till now little has changed. years from now, you'd be the most likely to have forgotten me, but i know i will never forget you. you showed me patience, and focus, you showed me kindness and determination, you showed me brilliance and charm, and nothing will change that. we will likely go our separate ways, but if the Almighty wills it, maybe one day we will see each other again. till that time i wait.

that took a lonnnggg time. but it's worth it. this is one post i won't ever delete. it holds everything about my time, that means anything.

Monday, December 24, 2007

nice is too good

for a whole month i said goodnight to you almost every night

i gave my undivided attention whenever i was talking with you

i did what i could to show concern, to care even

but i see it was all for naught. you don't care at all

so what do i do now

EDIT at least you replied to the second christmas greeting

Friday, December 21, 2007

my prayer

Allah i pray now

i pray for wisdom, that i make decisions for good and not for evil, that my heart remain pure even in the presence of temptation from the Devil himself

i pray for clarity, that the path of my life present itself before me, that my goals ultimately are to the betterment of everything around me

i pray for strength, that the selfish and individualistic nature of people in this world be realised, that when called upon i will be able to fight such evils

i pray for hope, that people will believe and have faith where faith is most needed, that people know there is One who watches over them, all the time

finally i pray for myself, that i can carry out what has been intended for me, that i not falter when needed, that my deeds benefit all around me, and if it is written, further beyond

Ash hadu 'alla, ila, ha' ilallalah
Wa 'ash hadu 'alla, muhammadur-rasulullah

Amin

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

sirius black

The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters.
We've all got both light and dark inside us.
What matters is the part we choose to act on.
That's who we really are...

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Yeah, but I agreed. I tried so hard to help, and all it's done is made things worse.
Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore, because I don't want to play anymore.
All it does is make you care too much.
The more you care the more you have to lose.
You know, maybe it's just best to...

To what?
To go it alone...

Monday, December 10, 2007

long long way to go

To you, I wish you everythin'
And all the best that life can bring
I only hope you think of me sometimes, oh
And even though I feel the pain
I know that I will love again
The time will come, oh, and I'll move on

Sunday, December 09, 2007

talk with ame

i think, for all my lack of trust in anyone, if there is anyone whose judgement i would trust without question (or as close to it as i can get), it would be that of one Amelia Leo. something about how she sees the world that truly opens your eyes in ways you never thought of before.

and she's completely right again on one thing. i want to help the world, because there is too much wrong with it. so much pain and destruction, and we all sit in our cozy little cloistered country, with so little exposure to such tragedy that it's horrifying how people can be so ignorant. so i want to help. and the only way i can start right now is to help those around me

but there's a problem. helping others comes at a cost, and that cost is your own personal life. someone who wishes the joy of others often has to sacrifice his or her own joy in order for others to feel it. and i guess right now that is my weakness. that i cannot truly let go my own personal desire for success, for happiness, for everything good in life

don't get me wrong. it's perfectly normal to work your ass off for success and the like. it's human nature, to constantly improve and excel. but the issue is whether you would be willing to compromise that 'at all costs' journey to success, in order to make the world better. because it cannot happen together (well it can, but how that should be is beyond me and beyond the scope of this post...gosh this sounds like an essay).

so the choice of society or self may seem an easy one (for those of good and noble hearts), but the (opportunity) cost is high. and the difficulty lies in removing the significance of such words as 'I', 'me' and 'my'. people are selfish and individualistic by nature (and many don't even realise it), so this is quite normal. what separates the true 'heroes' of the world are those who can do the above, and commit their lives fully to the betterment of those of others'.

it can be a lonely life at times. maybe i'll have it easier because i hold no obligatory ties of friendship to anyone other than sean, and friendship with him is beyond friendship with others. it's a bond close to that of blood bonds. but with others, i can easily break off, and remove myself completely from this world, and no one will notice

in ame's words: 'being a light is good, even if u seem like the only one, because you'll never know who looks up to you for strength'

Thursday, December 06, 2007

brothers in arms

These mist covered mountains
Are a home now for me
But my home is the lowlands
And always will be

Some day you'll return to
Your valleys and your farms
And you'll no longer burn
To be brothers in arms

Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I've witnessed your suffering
As the battle raged higher

And though they did hurt me so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

There's so many different worlds
So many different suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones

Now the sun's gone to hell
And the moon's riding high
Let me bid you farewell
Every man has to die

But it's written in the starlight
And every line on your palm
We're fools to make war
On our brothers in arms

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

just being around her

as i tried explaining before, i can't put it into words

she ain't the prettiest around

she ain't the smartest around

she ain't the most charming around

but whenever i'm around her the world seems like such a wonderful place, and i feel i could never do anything wrong

Sunday, December 02, 2007

nice

you don't care at all, so why the fuck should i care anymore

it's not worth it if everything you do gets thrown back in your face

enough of being nice. it really isn't worth the pain and trouble

and once again my decision to not trust anyone is vindicated
_____________________________________________________________________

i might as well forget all the last 6 years of school, since everything associated with it is unlikely to remember me as well

Saturday, December 01, 2007

anticipation in prom

(i'm sort of continuing this from melvin's post)

we do not consciously anticipate the end of prom because it represents everything that we do not want. it represents the end of an entire phase of our lives, and while many will look forward and consider things like no more school uniforms and such, it is the reality of leaving this life behind, the only life that we've ever known, and venturing forth into a world that few can honestly say they know, let alone are familiar with

we don't anticipate the end because we don't want the end to come. humans are beings of the past, whose lives are determined largely by things around them, and by experiences that have had an impact on them in the past. it is these past experiences that shape character, and affect decisions made, which ultimately affect lives. because of this, humans hold the past very dear, and if ever there was a threat that would truly break a man, it would be the destruction of his memories that he holds dear (just watch Heroes).

imagine if 5 or 10 years from now, you sat down and tried to remember the guy who sat next to you in class for so many years, and who you considered to be your best friend in the world, and that the friendship had continued all the way for decades, but suddenly couldn't remember him. try as you might, you don't know his voice, his name, even his face. a man would be shattered

so the past is something people don't let go of easily. and the end of prom represents the consignment of this period of life to that grey area we call our history. we often look back, not only to learn from mistakes made in the past, but often to simply relive 'the good old days', but by relegating our school life to this category, it means we're no longer living in it, and have no choice but to let it go from our present selves.

people won't anticipate the end of something to come, because the significance of it points to the mortality of people, the passage of time, and the inevitable leaving behind of a part of our lives, that many do not want to believe will happen.

it is inevitable. just like death. and taxes