list of seven

It suddenly occurred to him: Why not complete the fugitive act and make for the Continent? As a seafaring man, Doyle knew there were a thousand distant exotic ports of call into which a man could vanish and re-create himself, places his nameless, faceless persecutors would never hope to find. As he considered this possibility, it occurred to him how remarkably little bound him to his current life - family, friends, a few patients - but no wife, no child, no onerous financial obligations. Remove the sentiment of love and discover how dangerously fragile are rendered one's ties to the familiar world. How seductive the possibility of utter change. It was all Doyle could do to resist ruddering hard to port and setting course for the unknown. Perhaps that was the genuine siren's song of legend, the temptation to jettison ballast of the past and rush weightless and unencumbered down a dark tunnel of rebirth. Perhaps that was the soul's destiny regardless.

But as he stood at the brink of that decision, into the vacuum created by that shimmering lure of escape returned his primal conviction that when confronted by authentic evil - and he felt certain this is what pursued him - to move off one's ground without a fight was an equal if not greater evil. An evil of failure and cowardice. One might pass a lifetime, or an endless string of lifetimes, without ever facing such and unequivocal assault as this against the covenant of what a man holds true about himself. Better to lose your life in defense of its sanctity than to turn tail and live out what remained of one's allotted days as a beaten dog. It was a hollow refuge that gave no shelter from self-loathing.

- Mark Frost, The List of Seven

poem 2

(inspired by a little discussion with ame)

the river

when i was young there was a river
laid out for me to follow through
it seemed to me the only path
by which i could travel along

i saw only the river head
which was where i was at
i could not see the coming meanders
nor anything that could hinder my way

i traveled along, oblivious to the world
following only the flow of the river
continuing on in the same direction
never worried about what's to come

but then i saw, a tributary
a diversion that piqued my interest
the current was strong and pulled me in
and i was sucked straight under

at first this new path seemed alright
the water felt familiar
but as i went in deeper along
the path began to grow narrow

soon i found myself mired in
unable to get back out
and i realised that i was stuck
with nowhere to go but forward

so i set about, digging a new path
widening the stretch that i found myself in
i dug with fury, with renewed vengeance
because i knew that nothing else mattered

i kept working, forcing my way through
i wanted to find my way back
but in my heart i always knew
that there was no way back

so now i dug for more than survival
i fought to create my own little future
a future i knew differed from the old
but which i knew i could make my own

not about her anymore

so much time has passed since that particular encounter all those months ago, and i guess i've truly realised the impact it's had on me since then. initially it seemed just like any normal situation, but for some reason, the more time passed, things began to change, to shape themselves differently. and it's no more about her anymore. it's down to me now. it's like something out of siddhartha. she was the turning point, somehow, and the strange thing is that i can't even pinpoint what it was that started the change. and it's no sudden change. over these months my eyes have been opened to other things, that may not have happened had that encounter not occurred.

strange how life works. which is why we mortal humans have faith in our respective religions, that our lives and fates have already been determined long before we were born, and that we are only travelling down a pre-determined path, designed by those respective omnipotent beings that we pay homage to. so in a sense, it's like i've woken up somehow, when i was asleep all these years

interestingly, there were a lot of minor minor things that would normally have happened, but didn't happen, to result in the encounter in the first place. like fahrul coming late, and shrey having already performed earlier. proof that we are never in complete control of our lives.

EDIT: don't get me wrong. she's one of the prettiest girls i've ever had the pleasure of knowing in my short life so far, and i'd love to have the chance to love her, but some things are just not meant to be, and we have to move on, and treat those experiences as lessons to be carried throughout our lives

your guardian angel again

i love this song

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - "Your Guardian Angel"

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

out of the circle

my goodness. i've been left out for so long.

well at least now i know where my loyalty should lie

me, myself, and my character in Neverwinter Nights 2

at least until i get bored of that game

_______________________________________________________

on another note

or on the same note

i'm seriously. perilously. categorically. fucked. for prelims.

piano exam tmr

RAWWWRRRRRRRRRRR my piano exam is TOMORRRROWWWWWWWWWWWW

i can write my epitaph already.

'nobody can fault him for not trying hard enough. well, almost'

diediediediediediediediediediedie

ARRRRRRRRR

i'm going mad

RRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

rarh piano

if i never ever ever play the piano again after this thursday, i am certain i'd die a very happy man. how i truly hate the piano right now. and whichever dickhead invented it.

piano exam

fuck the fuckers at the fucking abrsm

put my fucking piano exam 4 days before prelims

4 DAYS what the hell la

i'm starting to slur my speeach already