oh boy

as the end of the last year of the first phase of my life draws inexorably closer, i find myself constantly experiencing this feeling of dissatisfaction, of unfulfilment, like something's missing. i realise that in all my 12 years of schooling, for all that i've done to try and make it special, it has truly been as mundane is it could get.

sure there were some memorable events, but that's what they'll stay as: memories, records, words in a book or log, kept away, inevitably collecting dust. there's nothing i've done that goes beyond this, that may leave some form of legacy, such that there is hope for future remembrance.

much as i try to keep my life as normal as possible, i persistently have this need to do something big, something special, something worth mention. maybe it's my ego brewing, but it's definitely in there somewhere, and it's not happy. hence now, i have to cope with rushed studying, while on the flip side trying to enjoy my last few days of school as much as possible, and now all of that is laced with a hint of desperation, that something's missing, that there's a problem somewhere, and that there's not much time left to do anything about it.

ah screw it. i don't know why i'm suddenly feeling like this today. and i truly hate it when this happens.

and i still wonder why i'm wasting my time here.