my long road

magicians

2009-11-07T00:33:00.001+08:00

"I have a little theory that I'd like to air here, if I may. What is it that you think makes you magicians?" More silence. Fogg was well into rhetorical-question territory now anyway. He spoke more softly. "Is it because you are intelligent? Is it because you are brave and good? Is it because you're special?

"Maybe. Who knows. But I'll tell you something. I think you're magicians because you're unhappy. A magician is strong because he feels pain. He feels the difference between what the world is and what he would make of it. Or what did you think that stuff in your chest was? A magician is strong because he hurts more than others. His wound is his strength.

"Most people carry that pain around inside them their whole lives, until they kill the pain by other means, or until it kills them. But you, my friends, you found another way; a way to use the pain. To burn it as fuel, for light and warmth. You have learned to break the world that has tried to break you."

affected

2009-11-02T00:17:00.002+08:00

someone please tell me why i get so affected just by talking to unhappy people

this is not fun

damnit

6months

2009-10-18T13:14:00.002+08:00

nice to know that i could probably post things here without anyone reading them.

6 months is a long time. gosh.

when people expect good of us, are we supposed to always be on the lookout for such things?
i've spent 3 days so far helping someone who needs it. then i inadvertently did not give up my seat for an old man on the train. someone did it before me. and now i feel bad. sigh

say goodbye

2009-10-17T19:02:00.002+08:00

for someone who feels it the most right now

S Club - Say Goodbye

In the years to come
Will you think about these moments that we shared
In the years to come
Are you gonna think it over
And how we lived each day with no regrets
Nothing lasts forever though we want it to
The road ahead holds different dreams for me and you

[chorus]
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts is the only way now for you and me
Though its the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
Because a true love never dies

In a year from now
Maybe there'll be things we'll wish we'd never said
In a year from now
Maybe we'll see each other, standing on the same street corner though it rains
Each and every end is always written in the stars
If only i could stop the World i'd make this last

[Chorus]
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts is the only way now for you and me
Though it's the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
Because a true love never dies

And when you need my arms to run into
I'll come for you
Nothing will ever change the way i feel

[Chorus]
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts is the only way now for you and me
Though it's the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
Because a true love never dies

expecto patronum

2009-04-14T16:52:00.001+08:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expecto_patronum#Expecto_Patronum_.28Patronus_Charm.29

Expecto Patronum (Patronus Charm)

Pronunciation: ex-PEK-toh pa-TROH-nuhm

Description: Conjures an incarnation of the caster's innermost positive feelings, such as joy, hope, or the desire to survive, known as a Patronus. A Patronus is conjured as a protector, and is a weapon rather than a predator of souls: Patronuses shield their conjurors from Dementors, and can even drive them away. A Patronus "cannot feel despair, as real humans can, so Dementors can't hurt it."^[16] The conjured Patronus protects the witch or wizard that summoned it, obeys his or her commands, and fades away shortly after it is no longer required. When conjured, a Patronus appears silvery, ethereal, and semi-transparent. Improperly formed Patronuses range from momentary formless bursts of silvery mist, to poorly-defined forms which are easily defeated or quickly dissipate on their own. A full-fledged (or corporeal) Patronus takes on a fixed animal form that is often significant to the witch or wizard casting the charm. Patronuses summoned by a particular person have been known to change, such as Tonks' patronus. Rowling has said that Snape was the only Death Eater to be able to produce a Patronus. According to her this is 'because a Patronus is used against things that the Death Eaters generally generate, or fight alongside. They would not need Patronuses'.^[17] According to Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, the Charm is also the only known defensive spell against Lethifolds.

Seen/Mentioned: First seen in Prisoner of Azkaban when a Dementor appears in the Hogwarts Express, and Hermione says that Remus Lupin repelled the Dementor by casting a silvery object from his wand. Harry's corporeal Patronus first appears in a Quidditch game, and it is used by other characters throughout the rest of the series.

Notes: Dumbledore has devised a method of using Patronuses to deliver messages putting it into the exclusive use of the Order of the Phoenix. Members of the Order are the only wizards who know how to use their spirit guardians to send messages to one another. According to Rowling, the Patronus is "an immensely efficient messenger" as it is not hindered by physical obstructions or dark matters. Each Patronus has a special quality and appearance that is different and easy to recognise, which makes it clear which Order member has sent the message. In addition, since no one can conjure another person's Patronus, this method of communication does not carry the risk of passing fake messages.^[18] It is noteworthy that in Deathly Hallows, McGonagall creates three Patronuses simultaneously to call for Professors Flitwick, Sprout, and Slughorn.

Suggested Etymology: Expecto Patronum is Latin for "I await a protector".^[19] It is related to "pater" (father) and Harry's Patronus indeed takes the same form as that of his father's animagus form (a stag).

what're we living for

2009-04-13T00:41:00.002+08:00

i'd intended to write this when i get home but it's my last night on my hospital bed and i can't sleep so i'm doing this in the dark for who knows what reason. gah.

i watched harry potter 5 twice in the last two days (sorry hospital tv is rather limited) and i started thinking (like i always do every single time i watch a harry potter movie) what i'm doing with my life. i've tried rationalising about why it's harry potter that triggers these thoughts most, and frankly i'm at a complete loss. the only reason i'm ashamed to admit is that it's possibly because i'm jealous of him, of the people in the movie, of the story of their lives.

sure, it fits almost any stereotypical teenage hero stories. fighting the growing evil, learning about themselves, findign love, hate, jealousy blah blah blah. but there's something about harry potter that draws millions and millions of fans (and no, it's not entirely because of emma watson). maybe it's just how it's presented. as much as i'd like to avoid it, it keeps leaving a disgustingly deep impression on me that makes me think more than i want to.

but aside from the largely childish adventures, it is their lives that intrigue me the most. i spoke to someone earlier who commented something along the lines of i wouldn't want to be neville longbottom, he always gets picked on. irony is that i used to be victim to this very person's words and actions, and he knows it. so their lives still contain the same factors that make us gripe about ours.

but i think there's something more. the message i get, that i'm missing out in my own life, is that they are doing something good, something useful, even at worst something interesting with their lives, no matter the danger, the life-threatening situations, the screwed up family trees. they lead their lives according to their own values, which i realised is becoming increasingly difficult these days.

whose dream are we talking about, when we say 'this is my dream job, my dream uni course, my dream life'? is it really our dream? or the one that was set before us. how many of us can claim an ambition that is truly our own, without any influencing factors from outside? how many med or law students have known that they have wanted to be doctors/lawyers from the day they first experienced rational thought? maybe some will raise their hands, and fair enough i respect that.

but personally it's taken me up until somewhere in year 5 or 6 that i started thinking about what I wanted to do, not what my mother or my friends or the damn Singapore dream wanted me to do. what did i want to do? in the end it was clear that my own path was pretty far off the track that people thought i would go and wanted me to go. but i suppose that was the first step in my own little rebellion.

i watched bucket list 4 times as well (sorry, hospital tv again) and again it made me think about how we really want our lives to be defined. by the contribution we've made to society? which society? my family thinks there's enough trouble in our home country and uses that as a reason to bar me from overseas trips to help the community there. and the stupid thing is, i have nothing to say to that. it's perfectly true. so i have to contribute (in my family's eyes) to a community that has in fact done more to limit what i can do than actually open up the roads for me, just for the reason that i don't have to travel anywhere? i'm sorry, my head has trouble wrapping itself around that one.

so what is it then that we can do, that our lives have a certain definition, or any definition at all? do we all have to be like the late DBS CEO? why is that? it's simply because that's become the the common 'dream' of everyone, the measure of success, and in this world only success matters. of course there are those handful that will succeed no matter where you put them. take away their family, their education, their finance, everything, and they'll still succeed. these are special people. not everyone is like them, and it's about time people realised that. not everyone has the same dream. otherwise they wouldn't be a success story. they'd be normal.

maybe if you're reading this you'll think i'm saying this because i want to be remembered when my life is over. no it has nothing to do with that. it has everything to do with what i'm doing with my life right now. for the coming months i'm going to face a very boring period of my life, where almost everything i enjoyed has been temporarily taken away. and it puts into further perspective the question of what i'm doing with my life. because one day, life may not be so kind to me. it may not give me back what i love after it has taken them away. would my life still be worth living if that time comes? who can answer that question, because i sure as hell can't. all i can do is watch harry potter.

the search is over

2009-04-08T22:38:00.001+08:00

The Search Is Over - Survivor

How can I convince you
what you see is real
Who am I to blame you
for doubting what you feel
I was always reachin',
you were just a girl I knew
I took for granted the friend I have in you

I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes,
I can see forever
The search is over,
you were with me all the while

Can we last forever,
will we fall apart
At times it's so confusing,
the questions of the heart
You followed me through changes,
and patiently you'd wait
Till I came to my senses,
through some miracle of fate

I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes,
I can see forever
The search is over,
you were with me all the while

Now the miles stretch out behind me,
loves that I have lost
Broken hearts lie victims of the game
Then good luck,
it finally stuck like lightning from the blue
Every highway's leading me back to you
Now at last I hold you,
now all is said and done
The search has come full circle,
our destinies are one
So if you ever loved me,
show me that you give a damn
You'll know for certain the man I really am

I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
that was just my style
When I touched your hand,
I could hear you whisper
The search is over,
love was right before my eyes

definitely maybe

2009-04-05T08:30:00.000+08:00

"Maya Hayes: Poor April. Just like the character in the story. Who's always been the friend then she realized she doesn't just want to be the friend she wants to be the *girl*friend. Except it's too late.
Will Hayes: What do you mean?
Maya Hayes: Weren't you listening? She came home for you."

quiz

2009-03-09T23:21:00.000+08:00

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

somehow i vaguely remember doing this quiz years ago and vaguely remember having almost identical results. hmmmmm

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

may 26 2007

2009-03-03T22:57:00.002+08:00

it is indescribable, the feeling of being back on that wet turf surface, after so many months of mere longing.

to feel the 36 inches of power in your hands.

to run like you've never run before.

and to play your heart out.

play to win. and never stop running.

those days are back. for now, coalesced into 6 hours of hard and fast games.

but hopefully soon, i'll get my chance

accepted

2009-02-05T16:38:00.002+08:00

today

at 1638hrs

i accepted the offer from oxford university

and it's all still so surreal

shit man. oxford. wtf. oxford

0.o

the great challenge

2009-01-31T21:21:00.002+08:00

i can run all day

i can get a place at fucking oxford

but i can't get the girl of my dreams

so what now

queen's

2008-12-30T19:15:00.001+08:00

Mr. N A Ahmad
4 Flora Drive #06-61
Singapore 507026

Dear Mr. Ahmad,

I am pleased, on behalf of The Queen's College, to offer you an unconditional place for admission in October 2010 to read Law (Jurisprudence), a 3-year course.

.
.
.
.

Congratulations on your success; I hope that you will enjoy your time at Queen's

Yours sincerely,

Dr C B Louth
Tutor for Admissions

This is the only part of the letter that sticks in my head. The rest is irrelevant.

____________________________________________________________________

Even when my faith wavered, even when i strayed from the path set before me, You have always been there to pull me back. I know for certain, I am far from being even remotely close to having pure faith in You, yet even now you do not forsake me. I pray that above everything else, above all the requirements I have to meet for the religion, that I never forget You, and all that You have done for me. Thank You, God, and I beg You to lead me on from here. I write this here not to advertise my plea, but to be a reminder, so that everytime I come to this page, I read this, and I remember that I owe my very existence to You, and that in everything I do, I must remember You.

Amen

politik

2008-11-25T19:20:00.000+08:00

today i learnt a hard lesson in office politics.

and it makes me wonder all the more

how we don't just implode from the sheer chaos.

amazing isn't it

training can be fun

2008-11-18T20:32:00.002+08:00

next week i run at least 2 long distance races. RACES.

second week of december i run my first marathon.

i'm running everyday. at least around 15km.

once upon a time i would find it utterly boring.

in fact if i were alone it would be.

but thankfully i'm not alone

even if it's only for 5km. it's something to look forward to every single day.

under a beautiful sky

on the side of me

2008-11-11T17:55:00.000+08:00

someone sent me this song and it tore my heart

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved

Yet you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
On the side of me

I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide

Yet you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
Blessed Charity
You're on the side of me
On the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
When it's cold outside
And there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried
There was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
But you

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth

'Cause you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
On the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
When it's cold outside
And there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried
There was no place to go

I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you...

Yeah you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me

birthday party?

2008-10-26T00:38:00.001+08:00

recently i've noticed that there's an interesting connection between how close you are to a person

and how likely you are to see the person on his/her birthday

go figure

never let go

2008-10-17T22:40:00.002+08:00

oh i also forgot about this song. this was playing in the ending credits of the Guardian. powerful words.

"Never Let Go - Bryan Adams"

Can you lay your life down, so a stranger can live?
Can you take what you need, but take less than you give?
Could you close every day, without the glory and fame?
Could you hold your head high, when no one knows your name?
That's how legends are made, at least that's what they say.

We say goodbye, but never let go.
We live, we die, cause you can't save every soul.
Gotta take every chance to, show that you're the kinda man who;
Will never look back, never look down,
and never let go.

Can you lose everything, you ever had planned?
Can you sit down again, and play another hand?
Could you risk everything, for the chance of being alone?
Under pressure find the grace, or would you come undone?
That's how legends are made, at least that's what they say.

We say goodbye, but never let go.
We live, we die, cause you can't save every soul.
Gotta take every chance to, show that you're the kinda man who;
Will never look back, never look down,
and never let go.

Never let go, Never let go, Never let go

Gotta take every chance to, show that you're the kinda man who;
Will never look back, never look down,
and never let go.

We say goodbye, but never let go.
We live, we die, 'but you can't save every soul.
Gotta take every chance to, show that you're the kinda man who;
Will never look back, never look down,
and never let go.

Will never look back, never look down,
and never let go.

Never let go [ x3 ]

many thoughts

2008-10-17T21:41:00.002+08:00

i have much on my mind today

firstly, today was a bad day. i let my temper and my emotion get the better of me and rule my thinking for most of today. looks like i have much to learn with regards to self control. anger management. haha

this week was rather good though. in particular, i watched two movies that left a deep impression on me.

first was Nim's Island. it's a story of a little girl and her father, who live on an island all by themselves. long story short, the thing that struck me about this story was the life of the girl living on the island. it was such a carefree, but unique life, where life teaches you its lessons every single waking and sleeping minute, where you never know what waits around the next tree. but even more than that, it's a life that is completely detached, and correspondingly free of, the perils of human civilisation. no such thing as rat race, no madly rushing through our lives in an endless paper chase. just you, and the world around you.

the second movie was more personal. it's called the Guardian, a movie about the entwined fates of two US Coast Guard rescue swimmers. lessons in the movie were abundant. the first was a signboard bearing the simple, yet immensely powerful, USCG rescue swimmer motto: "So Others May Live". it embodies everything that the swimmers, and Coast Guard as a whole, strive for and are willing to sacrifice for. it's a powerful sight to see a floundering ship with upwards of 5 crew members, and there needs only be 1 rescue swimmer to save them all. the willingness to sacrifice oneself and risk dying 'slow, cold and alone' just to rescue people they don't even know is a powerful image.

secondly, a quote i picked up, mainly for people like sze who are so concerned about growing old.

"I don't mind. I mean if my muscles ache, it's because I've used 'em. It's hard for me to walk up them steps now, its 'cuz I walked up 'em every night to lay next to a man who loved me. I got a few wrinkles here and there, but I've layed under thousands of skies with sunny days. I look and feel this way, well cuz I drank and I smoked. I lived and I loved, danced, sang, sweat and screwed my way thorough a pretty damn good life if you ask me. Getting old ain't bad Ben. Getting old, that's earned"

we shouldn't be scared of getting old. it is a fact of life that cannot be avoided, so we should not fear it, but take it in our stride. we have to earn the right to say that we've been there, done that, and that right can only be earned through blood sweat and tears. life will go on, whether we want it to or not. so why not embrace it.

on a more positive note

OXFORD INTERVIEW 27th OCTOBER

THANK YOU GOD.

2008-09-28T02:12:00.001+08:00

forgot to try this out earlier on. well no diff now or never

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don’t speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want — good or bad. When you’re finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

happy

2008-09-21T00:06:00.003+08:00

today is a happy day
because today my wish came true
a nice (but unbelievably strange) movie at picturehouse
a quiet dinner at secret recipe
a nostalgic bus journey to her house
and that's all there is really

but it's so much more. maybe more than she (or anyone else) will ever know

thank you =))

EDIT
but it comes at a cost. alas now everything else seems sooo boring in comparison >.<

some have everything

2008-07-26T00:17:00.000+08:00

some people really have everything that a person could want.
or the opportunity to get what anyone could want

and they don't know how to cherish it

it pisses me off

maybe i'm one of them.

oh what the hell

meaningless

2008-07-13T01:17:00.002+08:00

i'm slowly getting very disillusioned with weekends. they're fantastic and all, but the meaning is just disintegrating as the weeks go by

sure, it's heck of a lot better than being in camp, but in the long run of time it's just melted into the unending run of weeks that i count go by. week by week, that's the best way to stay happy in ns, take everything week by week, and ideally look forward to the weekend. look forward to...what?

meet up with friends. go out. etc etc etc. every week is exactly the same routine, down to the places we go and the things we do. the people we meet goes without saying. it's all so monotonous, so repetitive, so insignificant

wash, rinse, repeat.

that's how every week is going. week by week, every single week. book out, just to book in again, with some distractions in between. distractions which are becoming ineffective.

i'm supposed to tell mark chua something but for the life of me i've no clue what it is.

you'll never know

2008-06-22T12:54:00.003+08:00

Michael Buble / Bette Midler - You'll Never Know

You'll never know just how much I miss you.
You'll never know just how much I care.
And if I tried, I still couldn't hide my love for you.
You oughtta know, for haven't I told you so
a million or more times?

You went away and my heart went with you.
I speak your name in my every prayer.
If there is some other way to prove that I love you,
I swear I don't know how.
You'll never know if you don't know now.

You went away and my heart went with you.
I speak your name in my every prayer.
If there is some other way to prove that I love you,
I swear I don't know how.
You'll never know if you don't know now.

narnia

2008-06-08T10:48:00.002+08:00

i swear i'm an absolute sucker for all these fantasy stories and movies. yesterday i watched narnia and never wanted it to end. ever. there is so much meaning to be found in the story, i could spend the whole day dissecting it and still probably only scrape the surface.

but most of all it represents that sense of escapism that every kid feels. the want to simply run away from this life, preferably into another fantasy world, leaving behind all the pain and sorrow of this world. and lucy summed up what i feel most, because she was always wanting to go back, she never stopped believing, and she never wanted to leave.

sometimes there's just so much happening around me that i really really wish i could just vanish somewhere and never come back. probably would make the world a better place.

where is narnia now....

khoury's sanctuary

2008-05-11T17:52:00.003+08:00

She stared quiestly out her window. People were out in the streets, getting on with the routines of their lives. A pang of envy tugged at her heart. She coveted their insouciance - before remembering that they probably weren't as carefree as they seemed, given what they'd just been through, and the fragility of the country. She didn't know what was going on behind their affable facades, and it made her think that maybe when it came right down to it, when it came down to the crisis points that define who people really are, maybe we didn't really know as much about others as we thought we did

- Mia Bishop, from Raymond Khoury's The Sanctuary

EDIT

I just re-discovered my graduation yearbook

damn it how i miss IB

shall NOT

2008-05-01T00:14:00.002+08:00

i SHALL NOT complain
i SHALL NOT care
i SHALL NOT commit
i SHALL NOT commiserate
i SHALL NOT conform
i SHALL NOT continue

what i SHALL do is get the fuck on with life and hope ORD comes soon.

one moment

2008-04-18T21:36:00.002+08:00

all it needs is just one single period of happiness

having been able to make just a bit of your day happy

makes my entire week that much better

and when you're bored i swear nothing beats sitting for 4 hours at starbucks reading

almost perfect day

2008-03-29T22:24:00.003+08:00

almost perfect day

good lunch with sze
waiting for xuan
bus to smu
fahionably late for tea session
boring dean talk
much more interesting conversation with student fella
bus to town
sit down talk cock in wheelock with sze, mark, xuan, kailun, ryan. absolutely therapeutic
walking around finding dinner with mark
end up at billy bombers. kickass steak and waffle
wrap up with xuan kailun and ryan at paradiz

almost perfect. too bad i had to go home.

thank you sze

2008-03-22T10:40:00.002+08:00

okay posting is out and i'm going to be a policeman woots.
whatever that entails 0.o
__________________________________________________________________________________

i have to make special mention to someone who's helped me a lot in the recent months, mostly when it comes to things like scholarship applications and stuff. thanks to one aw sze min, who originally had enlisted my help on occasion to read through a couple of essays, but in the end it became a mutual thing (i edit her grammar, she edits sentence structure. perfect =P). thanks for always being someone i know will stay calm in any situation (ice queen hahaha), and yet has her warmer side. thanks for being a listening ear when i needed one, and i hope i have returned the favour. not to mention, i am truly honoured that you have deemed me worthy enough to confide in me. it really does mean a lot to me, that someone trusts me as much as you do.

okay honestly there's very little i can put into words that would show what it is i have to thank you for, but you have my eternal friendship and gratitude, and know that if ever you need anything at all, don't hesitate to ask. i'll do my best to help. so yeah, thanks for all you've done =)

change?

2008-03-19T22:58:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder whether everything i do actually is making any difference at all

sure sometimes i think i'm getting closer

other times i do stupid things that widens the gap further

things have taken a turn for the better recently

but how long will it last

maybe just fate bringing me up higher before tossing me back to start from ground level again.

whoo posting in 2 days

if i let you go

2008-02-24T15:32:00.002+08:00

Day after day, time passed away
And I just can't get you off my mind
Nobody knows, I hide it inside
I keep on searching but I can't find

The courage to show, to letting you know
I've never felt so much love before
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know, if I let you go?

Night after night I hear myself say
Why can't this feeling just fade away
There's no one like you
You speak to my heart
It's such a shame we're worlds apart

I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later I gotta choose
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know, if I let you go ?

whoo enlistment

2008-01-10T08:04:00.000+08:00

and the time is finally here to enter that lovely resort in tekong

can't wait

here we go....

thanks

2008-01-08T18:39:00.000+08:00

many people to give credit to for my results. thanks to God goes without saying, but i'll repeat anyway because it's never enough, so thank God for guiding me through the last two years, most notably those two months leading up to, and including, the exam period

someone i've never really paid tribute to is Low Jin Yi, because without his recommendation to the fella in PSB (who deserves as much gratitude as well), i could never have done my EE to the point of getting the grade i receieved, so thanks to Jin Yi

thanks to those people whom i studied with in the weeks leading up to exams, especially the people from 6.8 Galatia, like Phua Kailun, Oliver Tan, Claressa Wong, and most of all, one Koh Xuan Qi, without whom i couldn't really have had the discipline to study on my own, and would likely have fallen by the wayside. thanks for letting me study with you all, even though i didnt' have that much in common and couldn't really have helped anyone of you in return, and i apologise now for any trouble i may have caused in the process of our studies =)

thanks to Li Haoyi, and Alex Liew, who endured countless questions from me regarding every subject that we were studying for (mostly because they were the only ones online whenever i needed help, which was quite often). thanks for tolerating even the most redundant or obvious question i may have asked, and for having the patience to still answer them

most of my thanks for the two years in IB have already been said earlier on, so there's little point in rehashing all of it, but a group of people i never really thanked were the teachers. Mr Ferdinand Quek, Mr Patrick Soo, and all of them, for having the patience to deal with us (me most of all) and still continue to try and impart the knowledge to our impatient and restless minds. thank you for never losing faith in us (and me), and i hope my results (some of them at least) are a fitting tribute to your efforts

there are more, and as i remember more people i'll add on to this post....

prayer for results

2008-01-06T20:23:00.000+08:00

God i pray once again, before the results are made known to us tomorrow. rumours are flying around, but i try to have faith that my fate is Yours to decide. whatever is in the envelope or on the results slip cannot be changed now, but i have faith that You have decided my future according to Your wishes, and no matter what happens my belief in You will not waver.

i won't pray for my own results. what happens to me is inconsequential in the greater plan of things, unless i am to play a bigger part. i want to pray for the results of my friends, of those people who have stood by me all these years (aside from my family), some of whom i truly love dearly, more than any material object i could own. i pray that You grant them the wishes of their hearts, that they may be happy with what they receive, that their lives would be meaningful to this world, and for those who believe, after death.

i pray first for the Venture Scouts, boys who've become men, men i've known for fully a third of my life. i've already paid tribute to them in what words i can, but i know no words can describe the friendship and loyalty they've shown to me and to each other. i pray that they be successful in their endeavours, and that no matter what happens, i pray our friendships remain strong, forged from the fires of tribulations endured together, and i thank You for the years spent together.

i pray for the rest of the level, for those i've had the joy of knowing, as well as those whom i regret not knowing. better friends i may never know, and most certainly i can claim to have utterly enjoyed my time in acs with these people, and for that i thank You. i pray that they too may be granted the desires of their hearts, that they receive the due for the effort they've put in, time spent in study together, in laboratories together, even on the field together, not as separate individuals, but truly as brothers (and sisters), and may our bonds remain strong for as long as we maintain them.

and i pray finally for one person, who has affected me more deeply than i could have ever imagined. i don't even know how to put it in words, but when i'm around her i never want time to move. maybe i'm completely wrong about this, but i can do little about it now. thank You for allowing me to spend all those hours with her, because even if my motives were misguided, i truly believe that time spent has been beneficial in ways few others could have done for me. she's the loveliest person i've met, and little can change that. i pray that her wishes are granted, because i believe she deserves them, even though i have no right to. and mostly, it's when she's smiling, when she's happy, that's when it feels like the world is a better place. again, it could be completely wrong, but with all my heart i believe she is the most beautiful person i've ever met.

i have not been the most faithful of Muslims, but my eyes have been opened. i confess to constantly forgetting (and just as often avoiding) prayer rituals, but i want to be stronger in belief, because i know some things are beyond my control, no matter how hard i try to achieve them. my fate is out of my hands now, and though my path has been written already, i know not what my future holds, so help me to have faith in what You plan to do with my life.

Amin

memorable 07?

2008-01-01T14:23:00.000+08:00

"so what's the most memorable '07 moment or feeling for you? :)"
"without a doubt sitting at the bench next to the turf with her"
"hahaha and how does that feel?"
"like there's nothing wrong in the world. like everything can be made right"

faith

2007-12-30T20:47:00.000+08:00

it's so ironic that my resurgence in faith and devotion stemmed almost solely from spending time with Christians

but isn't that the beauty of it all

we are all connected, according to God's plan, however you spell or pronounce the Lord's name

tributes

2007-12-26T20:43:00.000+08:00

maybe i should have written this long ago, but the day after christmas is as good a day as any i guess. and it kind of came to mind again after receiving a similar letter from someone else today

these two years in IB have been rather eventful, and most certainly memorable, and it's quite saddening to know that less than 2 weeks from now it'll all be over, once we get our results. some may dwell on past times, that represent so much in the way that we are now. some may just move on and never look back, confident that everything they've been through will help them in the future. some may do neither, choosing to live in the present, for each day as it comes. but we're all bound by the fact that we were the first. ever.

Mark Chua, Justin Chia, and the rest of 5.4/6.4:
i came into this class extremely apprehensively, because i was 'brought up' in a rather anti-GEP environment, so to be put into a class where the majority are of GEP origin, i expected it to be hell. instead it proved to be a wonderful experience, with friendships forged and lessons learned, and the motivation from being in a class where everyone is either brilliant or hardworking, mostly the former. and most of all i'll remember the two jokers who sat next to me, those two whose names are mentioned in bold up there. i owe them much thanks, for tolerating my bullshit for two years, for never giving up on me, for always being there be examples to push me onwards, and for always reminding me of my dearest follies =)

Yuengi, Aaron, and all the Venture Scouts:
if ever there were people that i would trust would remember me years from now, it would be this bunch of people. six years together, going through hell and back several times over, and having the time of our lives watching the world cup in malaysia, has definitely brought us together in ways few other groups of people can achieve. thanks for being a constant source of company these past two years, and damn our good times never lasted long enough. even the problems that we had in making the gangshow were not enough to break anything that had already been forged in the years preceding IB. times have changed and times will change, we may go our separate ways, but should ever i face any trials or tribulations, it would be this lot that i'd want beside me, more than any other people i know.

Slow, Lui and the gang from 3.16/4.16:
the signs were there in years 3 and 4 that this class was more tightly bound than any other in the level, and thus far it has survived the test of time more so than any other i know of, and i am forever grateful to have had the privilege of being in this class, that i'd never ever swap this class for any other. we've also had our good times and bad times, but our strength is that we've gone through all of it together, as a class, never backing down, and without abandoning any single member. we survived those two years of strife, and some of us have gone on to truly thrive in IB (congratulations Alastair), and when we meet for dinner tomorrow night i hope with all my heart that it won't be the last time we meet. i found myself in this class, and i wouldn't have it any other way.

Oliver Tan, Joshua Loke, Amelia Leo and the ACS Philharmonic Orchestra:
first of all i'd like to say that of all the trips i've made with schoolmates and such, the trip to the UK ranks in the top 3 i've ever been on, with the OEP to Bintan and the Jamboree in Scotland in that group. i just can't decide how to rank them. again i've been there with them for 6 whole years (though for some it was only 2 years, but those were enough). again we've been through all the bad times of dealing with certain obstinate members of the upper echelons, as well as having to deal with the annoyances of certain other members, but all in all i've had a great time being part of this orchestra, and helping it grow from a mere school orchestra into one of much higher standards. people like Oli and Losh are people i can have a certain degree of trust in, and when all the world seemed irrational and stupid, there was always the shining light that is Ame, always with a sensible mind to help keep us sane. thank you all =)

Bintan OEP:
i expected this to be a blast, and i was not disappointed. i still remember the generous portions of Indo Mee on some of the mornings, as well as the Indonesian Ronaldinho known only as Dannyho. this was at a time when we were still getting to know each other, in the early months of IB, and the friends i made on this trip would serve me well in the times to follow. not only that, the memories that i took away from there would always be the small spark of light that gave me hope when it seemed in short supply, and i can honestly say i would do almost anything for a chance to go back on that trip, with same people (except maybe minus some of the teachers). i want another chance at that rock wall!

The 'A' Division Hockey team:
granted i came into this team about four years late, but it is a testament to the strength of the bonds between the team, that when i came in, they made me feel right at home, and i apologise here and now for any time that i did not give me all in the game or in training. i loved the sport, and our heroic run to the finals in our debut season will always stay in my mind as what kept me going in that disgustingly dreary period of the year. (okay it may not be so epic, but i like to think of it that way =)). and i could never have asked for a better team to be in, even when we lost in the finals and i let my anguish show itself a bit too clearly. this is a team worth being proud of, and with all due respect to our opponents that day, i say their team sucked and i say our team is the best around. so what if it's a small squad. it's enough. small enough that everyone knows each other intimately, and yet still big enough that we always had a strong team out no matter what. thank you for your patience with me as i learned the sport, as i screwed up so much in comparison to everyone else, and thank you for always having faith in me. i can only hope that i repaid that faith with my work on the pitch, and i say here and now i've never felt at more at home than when i'm on the turf, be it hockey or football

The First IB Batch of ACS (I), Class of '06/'07:
this is just the culmination of everything that has happened over the past two years, and despite early fears of things like male:female ratio and the small size of the cohort, i think such features are what make us unique, and make the IB experience all the more enjoyable. by keeping the ratio rather awkward, it allows us guys to still retain much of the liberties that we had during the prior 4 years. it is also a testament to the stupidity of intact classes, that in the three weeks of study break just before exams i made more friends than in the three months before that. and though many of you may not remember me, i will make sure that time will never erode the memories of people and events that have redefined pre-university education. thank you to everyone i know, whom i've not mentioned earlier, people like Kailun, Orion, Sze, Cheryl Sim, and of course our beloved breakfast club that is there without fail every single school-day morning. This was a great batch, and i thank God that i had the chance to be in this batch. despite all my efforts, there were still many people i did not know come end of the year, but i hope i do justice to those i know, and remember them for as long as i can remember my time in IB. These were good years, and i would love to relive them, if just for the small conversations that kept me alive and sane (or drove me mad and killed me haha). it's all the smallest things that matter, and truly i am grateful.

this probably will seem very superficial and repetitive to anyone reading this, but i hope i have paid a proper tribute to everything that was close to my heart during IB. it will probably never be enough. though there is one left that may be the most meaningless of all, but means the most to me. i know you'll never read this, but i'm typing this out for you...

you, who i've known only for a short while, but it could have been for all eternity, so long ago it seemed since i started studying there. you, whose brilliant mind was always a source of motivation in that final lap to the end of IB, and whose unending quirks would be a source of laughter and joy amidst the dreariness of mugging. you whose ability to sit still and study for hours on end rubbed off on me, a skill i've never been able to pick up in 12 years of studying. you whose mere presence made the world seem such a wonderful place, and when i was alone with you i never wanted that time to end. you who talked so little after exams ended, it ticked me off and left me wondering so much, and till now little has changed. years from now, you'd be the most likely to have forgotten me, but i know i will never forget you. you showed me patience, and focus, you showed me kindness and determination, you showed me brilliance and charm, and nothing will change that. we will likely go our separate ways, but if the Almighty wills it, maybe one day we will see each other again. till that time i wait.

that took a lonnnggg time. but it's worth it. this is one post i won't ever delete. it holds everything about my time, that means anything.

nice is too good

2007-12-24T22:38:00.000+08:00

for a whole month i said goodnight to you almost every night

i gave my undivided attention whenever i was talking with you

i did what i could to show concern, to care even

but i see it was all for naught. you don't care at all

so what do i do now

EDIT at least you replied to the second christmas greeting

my prayer

2007-12-21T00:16:00.000+08:00

Allah i pray now

i pray for wisdom, that i make decisions for good and not for evil, that my heart remain pure even in the presence of temptation from the Devil himself

i pray for clarity, that the path of my life present itself before me, that my goals ultimately are to the betterment of everything around me

i pray for strength, that the selfish and individualistic nature of people in this world be realised, that when called upon i will be able to fight such evils

i pray for hope, that people will believe and have faith where faith is most needed, that people know there is One who watches over them, all the time

finally i pray for myself, that i can carry out what has been intended for me, that i not falter when needed, that my deeds benefit all around me, and if it is written, further beyond

Ash hadu 'alla, ila, ha' ilallalah
Wa 'ash hadu 'alla, muhammadur-rasulullah

Amin

sirius black

2007-12-12T01:52:00.000+08:00

The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters.
We've all got both light and dark inside us.
What matters is the part we choose to act on.
That's who we really are...

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Yeah, but I agreed. I tried so hard to help, and all it's done is made things worse.
Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore, because I don't want to play anymore.
All it does is make you care too much.
The more you care the more you have to lose.
You know, maybe it's just best to...
To what?
To go it alone...

long long way to go

2007-12-10T13:04:00.000+08:00

To you, I wish you everythin'
And all the best that life can bring
I only hope you think of me sometimes, oh
And even though I feel the pain
I know that I will love again
The time will come, oh, and I'll move on

talk with ame

2007-12-09T02:02:00.000+08:00

i think, for all my lack of trust in anyone, if there is anyone whose judgement i would trust without question (or as close to it as i can get), it would be that of one Amelia Leo. something about how she sees the world that truly opens your eyes in ways you never thought of before.

and she's completely right again on one thing. i want to help the world, because there is too much wrong with it. so much pain and destruction, and we all sit in our cozy little cloistered country, with so little exposure to such tragedy that it's horrifying how people can be so ignorant. so i want to help. and the only way i can start right now is to help those around me

but there's a problem. helping others comes at a cost, and that cost is your own personal life. someone who wishes the joy of others often has to sacrifice his or her own joy in order for others to feel it. and i guess right now that is my weakness. that i cannot truly let go my own personal desire for success, for happiness, for everything good in life

don't get me wrong. it's perfectly normal to work your ass off for success and the like. it's human nature, to constantly improve and excel. but the issue is whether you would be willing to compromise that 'at all costs' journey to success, in order to make the world better. because it cannot happen together (well it can, but how that should be is beyond me and beyond the scope of this post...gosh this sounds like an essay).

so the choice of society or self may seem an easy one (for those of good and noble hearts), but the (opportunity) cost is high. and the difficulty lies in removing the significance of such words as 'I', 'me' and 'my'. people are selfish and individualistic by nature (and many don't even realise it), so this is quite normal. what separates the true 'heroes' of the world are those who can do the above, and commit their lives fully to the betterment of those of others'.

it can be a lonely life at times. maybe i'll have it easier because i hold no obligatory ties of friendship to anyone other than sean, and friendship with him is beyond friendship with others. it's a bond close to that of blood bonds. but with others, i can easily break off, and remove myself completely from this world, and no one will notice

in ame's words: 'being a light is good, even if u seem like the only one, because you'll never know who looks up to you for strength'

brothers in arms

2007-12-06T00:16:00.000+08:00

These mist covered mountains
Are a home now for me
But my home is the lowlands
And always will be

Some day you'll return to
Your valleys and your farms
And you'll no longer burn
To be brothers in arms

Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I've witnessed your suffering
As the battle raged higher

And though they did hurt me so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

There's so many different worlds
So many different suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones

Now the sun's gone to hell
And the moon's riding high
Let me bid you farewell
Every man has to die

But it's written in the starlight
And every line on your palm
We're fools to make war
On our brothers in arms

just being around her

2007-12-05T03:08:00.000+08:00

as i tried explaining before, i can't put it into words

she ain't the prettiest around

she ain't the smartest around

she ain't the most charming around

but whenever i'm around her the world seems like such a wonderful place, and i feel i could never do anything wrong

nice

2007-12-02T02:10:00.001+08:00

you don't care at all, so why the fuck should i care anymore

it's not worth it if everything you do gets thrown back in your face

enough of being nice. it really isn't worth the pain and trouble

and once again my decision to not trust anyone is vindicated
_____________________________________________________________________

i might as well forget all the last 6 years of school, since everything associated with it is unlikely to remember me as well

anticipation in prom

2007-12-01T00:55:00.000+08:00

(i'm sort of continuing this from melvin's post)

we do not consciously anticipate the end of prom because it represents everything that we do not want. it represents the end of an entire phase of our lives, and while many will look forward and consider things like no more school uniforms and such, it is the reality of leaving this life behind, the only life that we've ever known, and venturing forth into a world that few can honestly say they know, let alone are familiar with

we don't anticipate the end because we don't want the end to come. humans are beings of the past, whose lives are determined largely by things around them, and by experiences that have had an impact on them in the past. it is these past experiences that shape character, and affect decisions made, which ultimately affect lives. because of this, humans hold the past very dear, and if ever there was a threat that would truly break a man, it would be the destruction of his memories that he holds dear (just watch Heroes).

imagine if 5 or 10 years from now, you sat down and tried to remember the guy who sat next to you in class for so many years, and who you considered to be your best friend in the world, and that the friendship had continued all the way for decades, but suddenly couldn't remember him. try as you might, you don't know his voice, his name, even his face. a man would be shattered

so the past is something people don't let go of easily. and the end of prom represents the consignment of this period of life to that grey area we call our history. we often look back, not only to learn from mistakes made in the past, but often to simply relive 'the good old days', but by relegating our school life to this category, it means we're no longer living in it, and have no choice but to let it go from our present selves.

people won't anticipate the end of something to come, because the significance of it points to the mortality of people, the passage of time, and the inevitable leaving behind of a part of our lives, that many do not want to believe will happen.

it is inevitable. just like death. and taxes

prom

2007-11-29T14:09:00.000+08:00

so ends our reign as absolute seniors of the school

it's going to be difficult to leave it all behind

the good times. the bad times. and everything in between

and it took a night at mambo to realise how difficult it is for me to completely lose myself in something

no matter how much i want to just forget the world, there's always that little voice in the back of my head telling me to stay in control. maybe it's good. maybe it's not

but for all it's worth, may the memories stay with us forever, because in times of darkness, they will be the foundation that we can count on, that no matter what happens, we have these wonderful memories of years gone by. may we never forget, because the greatest gift than anyone can give to someone else is remembrance, that even when we have passed on, one by one, we will still be remembered by those who remain behind

Goodbye to you my trusted friend
We've known each other since we were nine or ten
Together we've climbed hills and trees
Learned of love and ABC's
Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees

Goodbye my friend it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that spring is in the air
Pretty girls are everywhere
Think of me and I'll be there

We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun
But the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time

Goodbye Papa please pray for me
I was the black sheep of the family
You tried to teach me right from wrong
Too much wine and too much song
Wonder how I got along

Goodbye papa it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
Little children everywhere
When you see them I'll be there

We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone
We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone

Goodbye Michelle my little one
You gave me love and helped me find the sun
And every time that I was down
You would always come around
And get my feet back on the ground

Goodbye Michelle it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
With the flowers everywhere
I wish that we could both be there

We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun
But the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time
We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song like the seasons have all gone

picture personality

2007-11-24T00:06:00.001+08:00

TEMPERAMENT
Idealist

You are the quintessential dreamer - spending more time thinking about the possibilities that the world holds for you, rather than your reality. You don't settle for anything less than what you truly desire and you work very hard. You tend to live in every place except the present - you are prone to daydreaming about the future and re-thinking the choices you made in the past. Sometimes you get overly caught up in your thoughts.

INTERESTS
Thrill Seeker

You are interested in anything that is exciting and pleasurable. You're not afraid to indulge yourself - you live by your own set of rules and don't allow yourself to get hung on what others think. For the most part, you are independent and do whatever you please to do. Trying to stop you from doing something only makes you want it even more. At the end of the day - you live for life's most thrilling moments.

AMUSEMENT
Thoughtful

You are easily stressed out and overwhelmed - you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Because you tend to be self reflective, you know your limits quite well and must remember to not exceed those limits. When you overwhelm your life with obligations and responsibilities, you tend to shut down and go into yourself even further. Take some time to find your serenity and kick back your feet.

PASSION
Physical

You are a cuddle bug - from a warm hug shared with your best friend to steamy sex with your partner, you enjoy every bit of human contact that you can get. You demonstrate your love for others most fluidly through physical one-on-one contact and you feel the most loved when you are being touched. You feel disconnected when you are physically isolated from others. You're a people person and a lover of all things human.

byebye sparknotes

2007-11-20T00:32:00.000+08:00

today, at 1232 am, i deleted sparknotes from my bookmarks list

progress

our farewell

2007-11-15T18:30:00.000+08:00

our farewells

the time has come, for us to say
our last farewells, for 'tis the day
that we venture forward, parting ways
for however long, none can say

as time goes on, we may look back
on the times we spent, as one big pack
the love for each other, which no one lacks
and our many many notes, which lie in stacks

i write this now with many in mind
with hopes that forever, our friendships bind
i ask for memory, i'll return in kind
but go forward, and never look behind

the time has come, we must go now
our lives await, led by the prow
of joy and hope, that we never bow
no matter when, where or how

we will stay strong, through the never
without a thought of backing down, ever
but remember on thing, in our endeavours
always sing ACS, forever...

injury prone legs

2007-11-09T20:03:00.001+08:00

in the space of about two weeks, i have busted my:-

right ankle
left knee (bottom half)
right big toe
left knee (top half)

at least i know that the next injury should come somewhere on my right leg

now what's the probability of that happening

do a hypothesis test

at 5% significance level

DIE STATS

childhood innocence

2007-11-03T19:16:00.001+08:00

i think one reason i can still often see situations with an honest heart and innocent mind is because i never really ever let go of my childhood

i found this facebook group about 'if you lived in the 90s', and going through the list of things there made me feel unusually nostalgic

maybe a part of me still lives in that life of a 10 year old just discovering the world

maybe it's good, maybe not

but hell i'm never letting it go

malay over

2007-11-03T12:55:00.001+08:00

one subject down

but that was just the warm up

monday the real shit begins

SET IT OFF

thank you

2007-11-01T21:13:00.001+08:00

it's not so much about how you let me pick your brain all these weeks (though that was quite an important part of studying anyhow)

it's more about how i now have a reason to motivate myself, even if it's not purely emotionally, more to just have a good healthy level competition, to push me on.

so it's not what you've done, even though i'm eternally grateful for it

it's who you've been, who you are and who you will always be, your sheer presence, that has helped me the most

chuck norris therapy

2007-10-31T23:47:00.000+08:00

and i just rediscovered this place: http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com

to pick a few good ones

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

and these are only the first two pages

2007-10-31T22:43:00.000+08:00

i should have looked for this years ago

How to Take a Power Nap

Scientists say that a successful midday nap depends on two things: timing and (no kidding) caffeine consumption. Experiments performed at Loughborough University in the UK showed that the sleep-deprived need only a cup of coffee and 15 minutes of shut-eye to feel amazingly refreshed.

Steps

Right before you crash, down a cup of java. The caffeine has to travel through your gastro-intestinal tract, giving you time to nap before it kicks in.
Close your eyes and relax. Even if you only doze, you'll get what's known as effective microsleep, or momentary lapses of wakefulness.
Limit your nap to 15 minutes. This should be easy, as the caffeine will wake you up since it blocks adenosine, the neurotransmitter that promotes fatigue. A half hour can lead to sleep inertia, or the spinning down of the brain's prefrontal cortex, which handles functions like judgment. This gray matter can take 30 minutes to reboot.

helpless as shit

2007-10-30T22:11:00.001+08:00

joy is a wonderful feeling because it means you're happy

pain is a wonderful feeling because it means you're alive

but there's nothing wonderful about feeling helpless or guilty

put the two together and you might as well be in hell

shit like this just has to happen three days before exams doesn't it

fuck shit

centenary and strange conversation

2007-10-27T21:43:00.000+08:00

how fitting that this should be my 100th post

a strange conversation. strange, but insightful, and necessary nevertheless, to clear both our minds

and i hope it's not the last. because it's a very good conversation to have. it settles the mind somewhat

yawn. time to play before i burn out

glory glory man united

EDIT: WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE DO THE WORLD A FAVOUR AND SHOOT JOHN BURRIDGE

i never thought i'd see someone worse than shebby singh

no wait i take that back. shebby singh is still worse

nice guys finish last

2007-10-27T00:17:00.000+08:00

remember all those old looney tunes cartoons that we used to watch as a kid

remember the phrase 'nice guys finish last'

remember how in the end good triumphed over evil

now place that in context in the real world, and you realise that third statement tends rarely to happen

it is no longer in the best interests of the individual to be good or nice anymore. it's become all about survival, and to survive you must be ruthless. more so, to thrive your heart must be cast-iron.

sure there are exceptions to this. one has been sitting at the same table with me for many days now.

but it's not easily denied. it's not worth being the nice guy anymore

because nice guys do finish last.

post 99

i will carry you

2007-10-22T19:22:00.000+08:00

When your world breaks down and the voices tell you turn around.
When your dreams give out I will carry you, carry you.
When the stars go blind and the darkness starts to flood your eyes.
When you're falling behind, I will carry you.

so you're worried that everyone will go away one day. as quickly as in 4 weeks' time even. and i can see that you're affected.

but i promise you here and now, never will i leave you

united till i die

2007-10-21T19:09:00.000+08:00

united till i die
united till i die
i know i am, i'm sure i am
united till i die

leave it

2007-10-20T12:09:00.000+08:00

leave them alone. they're not deserving of anything bad. they're you're friends

then why do feel

because they are your friends, moron

but it still doesn't change much. i don't even know what i feel

it's called jealousy

jealousy?

yeah jealousy. you're jealous of their happiness, which you want for yourself

then what do i do now

nothing, because there's absolutely nothing you can do. just wish them all the best

not now

2007-10-17T21:00:00.000+08:00

nonononono

not now, not of all times

can't you wait until after exams

get out of my head. i need the space for other things. like econs.

leave me alone. why irritate me now.

just go. come back after exams

invictus

2007-10-16T22:38:00.000+08:00

i found this poem ages ago, and it's a wonderfully inspiring poem

unfortunately it has far too many negative connotations, not least of which is that it was used as Timothy McVeigh (Oklahoma Bomber)'s final statement just prior to his execution

Invictus by William Ernest Hemley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of Circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of Chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

i'm sure many people recognise those last two lines

and for those curious ones out there, invictus is latin for unconquered

multiple intelligences and personality

2007-10-14T14:00:00.000+08:00

emo

2007-10-13T19:41:00.000+08:00

i am far too emotional for my own good. or my own safety even.

and for all my self-denial, it still goes back to how she came into my life.

last day of school

2007-10-12T16:19:00.000+08:00

the time has come and passed, and now there remains only three full weeks till the beginning of the end. how exciting

today was everything i could want it to be, though i still hold some regrets that there were a few things that i would also have wanted to do. mostly it involves just taking photos with people, some of whom i could be seeing a lot of next year in Tekong, and some of whom i may never see again for years.

it did seem to be a bit abrupt though. there was very little emotion around. it's like, suddenly i'm already at home, and it occurs to me that i won't ever have to glance at my wallet-timetable ever again. no more hoping that teachers are on mc (or in some cases have fallen down stairs, or even worse). no more standing/sitting/lying along the corridors during free time. no more rushing down to grab a bite during 20 minute breaks. and it ended just like that. so sad. oh well. time to move on

we also were voting for awards for prom, and i realise that in all my attempts, and for all the pressure on me, to achieve and maintain excellence, i am happiest hovering in mediocre obscurity. sure i'd love to be the good looking one, or the smart one, or the charismatic one, but someone has to be less than all that, for there to be anything beyond mediocrity, and for some reason i quite enjoy being out of the limelight. personal awards and accolades mean nothing. they merely serve to boost the ego, which can be unhealthy at times.

but the problem of being in intact classes for 2 years came back to haunt me today when i realised that half of those i voted for were either in .4 or .3, which is pathetic because for certain there are better individuals out there in the other classes who would be much more suited to fulfilling the 'requirements' of the various awards. well, too late to change anything now.

so just like that, school has ended, and i say again, i'm going to miss the people and the friendship that school gave me, which despite bill's stories of bonding and the such, i highly doubt can be found anywhere else for a long long time.

yawn

2007-10-10T21:27:00.000+08:00

i am here blogging because the alternative is to write out an essay on protectionism, or an essay on FDI and barriers to economic development, or *shudder* an english essay on a poem about a watermelon.

school is pointless. i have more sleep time than lesson time tomorrow.

but it's the last two days of school. i'm too sentimental a person not to attend school for these two days.

i'm going to miss school

no wait scratch. as i told rong, i won't miss school so much as the people in the school.

including that monkey sitting next to me who has a predicted score of 43 points.

life would otherwise be so unbelievably dull.

to the good old days, when school was still fun.

internet back

2007-10-06T00:03:00.001+08:00

well internet's finally back up. and i realise that i can actually live quite happily even without things like msn (though i did feel some regret and worry that my warbook kingdom was getting raped while i was away). i'm probably more productive without internet than with it, so assumption is that internet is detrimental to my progression

we'll see about that

______________________________________________________________________

standing there just off to the side. she smiled at me and i smiled back. nothing more, but then more than ever did i want it all to change, that i wasn't walking away from her, that i would be by her side, and never was the feeling stronger. painful as it may be

list of seven

2007-09-29T20:15:00.000+08:00

It suddenly occurred to him: Why not complete the fugitive act and make for the Continent? As a seafaring man, Doyle knew there were a thousand distant exotic ports of call into which a man could vanish and re-create himself, places his nameless, faceless persecutors would never hope to find. As he considered this possibility, it occurred to him how remarkably little bound him to his current life - family, friends, a few patients - but no wife, no child, no onerous financial obligations. Remove the sentiment of love and discover how dangerously fragile are rendered one's ties to the familiar world. How seductive the possibility of utter change. It was all Doyle could do to resist ruddering hard to port and setting course for the unknown. Perhaps that was the genuine siren's song of legend, the temptation to jettison ballast of the past and rush weightless and unencumbered down a dark tunnel of rebirth. Perhaps that was the soul's destiny regardless.

But as he stood at the brink of that decision, into the vacuum created by that shimmering lure of escape returned his primal conviction that when confronted by authentic evil - and he felt certain this is what pursued him - to move off one's ground without a fight was an equal if not greater evil. An evil of failure and cowardice. One might pass a lifetime, or an endless string of lifetimes, without ever facing such and unequivocal assault as this against the covenant of what a man holds true about himself. Better to lose your life in defense of its sanctity than to turn tail and live out what remained of one's allotted days as a beaten dog. It was a hollow refuge that gave no shelter from self-loathing.

- Mark Frost, The List of Seven

poem 2

2007-09-28T20:37:00.000+08:00

(inspired by a little discussion with ame)

the river

when i was young there was a river
laid out for me to follow through
it seemed to me the only path
by which i could travel along

i saw only the river head
which was where i was at
i could not see the coming meanders
nor anything that could hinder my way

i traveled along, oblivious to the world
following only the flow of the river
continuing on in the same direction
never worried about what's to come

but then i saw, a tributary
a diversion that piqued my interest
the current was strong and pulled me in
and i was sucked straight under

at first this new path seemed alright
the water felt familiar
but as i went in deeper along
the path began to grow narrow

soon i found myself mired in
unable to get back out
and i realised that i was stuck
with nowhere to go but forward

so i set about, digging a new path
widening the stretch that i found myself in
i dug with fury, with renewed vengeance
because i knew that nothing else mattered

i kept working, forcing my way through
i wanted to find my way back
but in my heart i always knew
that there was no way back

so now i dug for more than survival
i fought to create my own little future
a future i knew differed from the old
but which i knew i could make my own

not about her anymore

2007-09-27T17:18:00.000+08:00

so much time has passed since that particular encounter all those months ago, and i guess i've truly realised the impact it's had on me since then. initially it seemed just like any normal situation, but for some reason, the more time passed, things began to change, to shape themselves differently. and it's no more about her anymore. it's down to me now. it's like something out of siddhartha. she was the turning point, somehow, and the strange thing is that i can't even pinpoint what it was that started the change. and it's no sudden change. over these months my eyes have been opened to other things, that may not have happened had that encounter not occurred.

strange how life works. which is why we mortal humans have faith in our respective religions, that our lives and fates have already been determined long before we were born, and that we are only travelling down a pre-determined path, designed by those respective omnipotent beings that we pay homage to. so in a sense, it's like i've woken up somehow, when i was asleep all these years

interestingly, there were a lot of minor minor things that would normally have happened, but didn't happen, to result in the encounter in the first place. like fahrul coming late, and shrey having already performed earlier. proof that we are never in complete control of our lives.

EDIT: don't get me wrong. she's one of the prettiest girls i've ever had the pleasure of knowing in my short life so far, and i'd love to have the chance to love her, but some things are just not meant to be, and we have to move on, and treat those experiences as lessons to be carried throughout our lives

your guardian angel again

2007-09-26T15:49:00.000+08:00

i love this song

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - "Your Guardian Angel"

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

out of the circle

2007-09-10T21:14:00.000+08:00

my goodness. i've been left out for so long.

well at least now i know where my loyalty should lie

me, myself, and my character in Neverwinter Nights 2

at least until i get bored of that game

_______________________________________________________

on another note

or on the same note

i'm seriously. perilously. categorically. fucked. for prelims.

piano exam tmr

2007-09-05T23:05:00.000+08:00

RAWWWRRRRRRRRRRR my piano exam is TOMORRRROWWWWWWWWWWWW

i can write my epitaph already.

'nobody can fault him for not trying hard enough. well, almost'

diediediediediediediediediediedie

ARRRRRRRRR

i'm going mad

RRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

rarh piano

2007-09-04T21:29:00.000+08:00

if i never ever ever play the piano again after this thursday, i am certain i'd die a very happy man. how i truly hate the piano right now. and whichever dickhead invented it.

piano exam

2007-09-03T15:24:00.001+08:00

fuck the fuckers at the fucking abrsm

put my fucking piano exam 4 days before prelims

4 DAYS what the hell la

i'm starting to slur my speeach already

united's golden age

2007-08-30T22:23:00.000+08:00

i just finished watching a string of youtube videos on Jj's and Tp's blogs. one featured the partnership of Yorke and Cole, one had David Beckham's best assists, one was on Peter Schmeichel, and of course, one on our dear beloved 20LEGEND. and the more i watched, the more convinced i was that the team which one the Treble (which was mostly the same team that went on to two successive titles) was definitely one of the best in the world, and would be a top class squad even by today's standards. forget all the flashiness of ronaldo or the bulldozing of rooney. there was something truly magical about how beckham, giggs, cole and yorke could combine to score some seriously wondrous goals, and how even when not playing regularly, solskjaer and sheringham could read the minds of team mates as though they had never left the pitch. that was magic at its best, and it's very difficult to build a much better team than that

i also more convinced than ever that schmeichel somehow obtained a pair of invisible wings, because some of his saves are really beyond even the laws of physics. stunning stuff

the magic moment

2007-08-29T21:30:00.001+08:00

"is this their moment"
"beckham"
"into sheringham..."
"AND SOLSKJAER HAS DONE IT"

4 lines that shaped history

tribute to solskjaer

2007-08-28T21:57:00.000+08:00

This picture is truly what belongs in the legend books of Old Trafford, likely the most important goal that hero Ole Gunnar Solskjaer has ever scored, that took united from champions to Treble winners, and setting the stage for two more consecutive titles. Forever he will be remembered, by names such as the Baby-Faced Assassin, for all his exploits in front of goal, whenever the team needed goals the most. Notorious for his goal-scoring after coming off the subs bench, he will always have a place in the hearts of United fans worldwide, and his memory should not be blighted with the injuries that have kept him out of the game for so much of the last three years (yet he still scored 11 goals last season), but rather it is images such as that one above, and others over the years, that should be recalled whenever his name is mentioned.

Ole, ole ole ole, Gunnar, Solskjaer. Thank you for all your services to the club, and may you continue to play a vital role, even behind the scenes, in the club's continuing run for success

rarh

2007-08-26T15:42:00.000+08:00

why do i even bother

and how many times am i going to ask myself the same question before i find the answer

just let it go

but i can't. it means too much

you have no choice. there's nothing you can do about it

and that's the entire fucking problem

oh boy

2007-08-24T18:12:00.000+08:00

as the end of the last year of the first phase of my life draws inexorably closer, i find myself constantly experiencing this feeling of dissatisfaction, of unfulfilment, like something's missing. i realise that in all my 12 years of schooling, for all that i've done to try and make it special, it has truly been as mundane is it could get.

sure there were some memorable events, but that's what they'll stay as: memories, records, words in a book or log, kept away, inevitably collecting dust. there's nothing i've done that goes beyond this, that may leave some form of legacy, such that there is hope for future remembrance.

much as i try to keep my life as normal as possible, i persistently have this need to do something big, something special, something worth mention. maybe it's my ego brewing, but it's definitely in there somewhere, and it's not happy. hence now, i have to cope with rushed studying, while on the flip side trying to enjoy my last few days of school as much as possible, and now all of that is laced with a hint of desperation, that something's missing, that there's a problem somewhere, and that there's not much time left to do anything about it.

ah screw it. i don't know why i'm suddenly feeling like this today. and i truly hate it when this happens.

and i still wonder why i'm wasting my time here.

seven blunders of the world

2007-08-21T22:21:00.000+08:00

the following is a list of the Seven Blunders of the World, written by Mahatma Gandhi, given to his grandson Arun Gandhi, who added an eight Blunder:

Wealth without work
Pleasure without conscience
Knowledge without character
Commerce without morality
Science without humanity
Worship without sacrifice
Politics without principle
Rights without responsibility (added by Arun Gandhi)

Gandhi Senior called these 'acts of passive violence', and said that preventing these is the best way to prevent oneself or one's society from reaching a point of violence.

ironic that for all the raving and ranting and rioting about the physical wars and violence around the world, especially in the middle east, it is these very same 'blunders' that are destroying people

IAs OVER

2007-08-16T22:04:00.000+08:00

for the first time in my life

i never thought i'd see this moment

i can finally say

NO MORE IAs

(within my control anyway)

NO MORE PHYSICS PRACS

NO MORE ECONS IAs

NO MORE IOC AND ENGLISH WHATNOTS

NO MORE STUPID MALAY ORALS (i hope)

fuck you IB

x-country aftermath

2007-08-08T13:26:00.000+08:00

i have discovered that i still harbour a love for running, whether short or long distances

i have discovered that i am unbelievably out of shape, so much so that i can't love running as i normally love running

i have discovered that despite CKS's triumphs in the early years of my school life, it is GHK with the last laugh. ha ha ha

i have discovered that i am a troubled person (how groundbreaking)

finally, i have discovered that friendship can be found anytime, anywhere, in many different ways

a very productive day, i must say

poem

2007-08-06T23:29:00.001+08:00

mark chua has inspired me to write this tonight while i'm feeling philosophical and Robert Frost - esque

the train journey stretches ever longer
along the track to nowhere
as i stare out the windows over yonder
i see nothing at all there

the train chugs along the track
leaving a trail of smoke in its wake
clickety clack, clickety clack
you wonder if it'll ever brake

but then i squint in the distance
i see a speck of light just far away
it breaks me out of my eternal trance
that takes me through every single day

i wonder to myself, is that the sun rising?
but it's so late into the night
it appears to be growing, brightening
and i stare straight into its light

the train continues on, oblivious
to the strange sight outside the window
but i'm sure even the religiously pious
are unable to ignore the glow

i know what it means to me
and what i must do to succeed
but as i move on past every tree,
my pleas, the light does not heed

now the light is gone from sight
and no sign of it remains
but it's stuck in my mind, shining so bright
and like the sun, it never wanes

x-country

2007-08-06T22:23:00.000+08:00

whoo tomorrow is x-country. and to think it's the last x-country i'll be running as a student. in fact now everything is the last thing i'll be doing as a student of the school. very odd feeling.

anyway. i'm so dead for the run. i have not run any significant distance for a significant amount of time, such that a significant percentage of my significant muscle mass in my (in)significant-ly size legs are significantly deteriorating at a significant rate that has no significant connection to any significant mathematical topic involving rate of change.

how significant

concert

2007-08-04T20:46:00.000+08:00

i feel completely unmotivated to play in tomorrow's concert.

much as i want to enjoy playing it, circumstances are beginning to shape themselves and i can already see that the atmosphere tomorrow is going to be nowhere near as enjoyable as FOAs once were.

yawn

guilty

2007-07-30T17:37:00.000+08:00

Your Honour, i plead guilty

guilty to the charge of having an innocent heart

guilty of living in a world that is a world apart from her

guilty of having an innocent heart that makes all the difference

guilty as charged

wilfred owen

2007-07-27T22:49:00.000+08:00

i feel compelled to blog about this, after dissecting and disassembling Wilfred Owen's poems for two straight nights.

i must say his poetry has truly won me over, in ways a classroom and teacher never will. one must really read and understand his poems to truly appreciate how powerful and emotionally impactful his poems were/are. here we are, almost a hundred years since the poems were written, yet some of the ideas brought up are still as relevant as they were when first written.

it is scary how much emotion and anger can be packed into 40 lines of writing.

and ame's notes are extremely useful. i would really just give up and shred the book without those notes. thank goodness i know her

your guardian angel

2007-07-26T18:51:00.000+08:00

"Your Guardian Angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus"

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

bleh

2007-07-24T21:19:00.000+08:00

somehow the title at the top of the explorer window fails to satisfactorily reassure me nowadays.

somehow i find myself stranded.

somehow the world seems to have progressed and left me behind on an island.

somehow i don't think i'd be too unhappy if a fissure opened up right now under the school and took the school building with it.

politics

2007-07-22T20:15:00.000+08:00

humans are inherently self serving, no matter how many 'nation over community, society above self' (i actually remembered that from my primary school exercise book) messages are sent out. people will instinctively put their own interests ahead of those of the people around them. and so there is a problem. because although there are some people who couldn't care less about personal glory, there aren't enough.

it's like the English football team. they have star players, but they lost to Croatia because they made the mistake of fielding their 11 best players. what should be done is to field the best team of eleven players, and that's what Italy did in the world cup, what Brazil did in Copa. sometimes star players are not the key to everything. sometimes it is the outsiders, fighting for their chance, that can change the course of history. think john o'shea.

and it's all the more frustrating when you do everything within your power to fight for a place, and it never gets anywhere in the end

connectors

2007-07-18T19:58:00.000+08:00

'This is what Connectors are like...They are people whom all of us can reach in only a few steps because, for one reason or another, they manage to occupy many different worlds and subcultures and niches...their ability to span many different worlds is a function of something intrinsic to their personality, some combination of curiosity, self-confidence, sociability, and energy.'

-Malcolm Gladwell, The Tipping Point

you're beautiful

2007-07-09T15:34:00.000+08:00

James Blunt - "You're Beautiful"

My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

dying

2007-07-01T22:47:00.000+08:00

i feel so dead. my whole body is like rotting away as i type this

even when i played soccer on friday, i could feel things like my ankle beginning to cause problems

can't be good

delusions of grandeur

2007-06-21T23:22:00.000+08:00

i realise that within this mass of flesh called a brain, there are many things (duh).
a lot of them i also realise, are consigned to imagination. and these include many many many dreams that i have, most unrealistic, delusions of grandeur.

here's a few:

-to make a stunning save from a 30 yard volley that decides the match, then to save a penalty in a shootout (ala jerzy dudek)

-to outrun defenders and score from an impossibly tight angle (ala walcott, minus ths scoring part)

-to score a first time volley from 30 yards myself (ala scholes)

(notice how they all involve soccer?)

-to manage a football club. you can guess which club

-to make national hockey team

and the list goes on and on

yawn

PES A

2007-06-20T17:02:00.000+08:00

woots i'm PES A

singapore dream here i come

now whether that's a good thing, is another matter

yawn

2007-06-06T16:27:00.001+08:00

a wednesday afternoon at home during the holidays has got to be the dullest time of the week